On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize