1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
