I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
