I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
