do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize