i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize