please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My life is pants optional.
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