What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
It was confusing and full of hummus
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
