Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Randomize