Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
