I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
