Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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