Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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