I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
