Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
