I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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