the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
