I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
