His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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