you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
