Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
