I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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