Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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