ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
