I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
