im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I wish they made helmets for livers.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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