During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Let's paint friendship bongs
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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