I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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