My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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