Sorry, I don't speak sober.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
