Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
