I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
