You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
