I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
