It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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