Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
