i love accidental penises.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
