my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
