Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize