Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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