Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
