You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
