my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
high people should be assigned attendants
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
