It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I have post one night stand depression
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