I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
