I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
