I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
