Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize
