highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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