i wish my penis had a tongue
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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