He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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