That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
