you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
