I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize